Ben's 10: NFL Return Men

I was reading Aaron's Best of 2007 posts last week and it dawned on me I haven't made a list in a long time. To usher myself back into the the list game, I picked an under-represented topic: the best kick and punt return men in football history.

It would've been easiest to do it statistically and rank them by most touchdowns or yards per return, but that wouldn't be fun. So here's my list in descending order.

The Greatest Returners in NFL History.

10. Mel Gray. Much like the No. 2 spot on SportsCenter's "Top Plays," I considered throwing something here that didn't really fit, my version of a full-court shot by a JV player on grainy HandyCam footage. I thought about Troy Brown (for being my favorite player), Steve Smith (for his guts in continuing to return punts despite being one of the best wideouts in the league) or Josh Cribbs (cuz let's face it, the young gunna is sick). But Gray's gotta get some props for being the most abused kick returner ever. On some terrible teams, he got plenty of kick return chances, and as a result built up 10,250 kick return yards and six kick return touchdowns.

9. Dave Meggett. Distinguishes himself as the one guy who was consistently a factor on winning teams. He opened his career with 1,159 return yards for the 1989 New York Giants (who were kind of awesome), and was the return workhorse for those Big Blue teams before taking his act to New England in 1995. In typical fashion, he compiled 1,369 return yards for the 1996 Patriots team that went to the Super Bowl.

8. Gale Sayers. People who scoff at his Hall of Fame inclusion often focus on his rushing numbers and overlook his return stats. The guy averaged 30.56 yards per kickoff return, an amount so obscene it's no surprise it's an NFL record. He is also tied for the all-time lead in kickoff return touchdowns with six. (Trivia quiz: Can you name the other two players on this list who are tied with Sayers in this category?)

7. Desmond Howard. The only return man to single-handedly win a Super Bowl. Alright, so some guy named Brett Favre had a little to do with it, but it wasn't No. 4 who broke the Pats' will with a kickoff return touchdown and 244 total return yards. Yikes. He also had six punt return touchdowns in his career with six teams.

6. Eric Metcalf. Anyone who calls Devin Hester the best returner ever should be required to recite Metcalf's statistics. In addition to holding the NFL record with 10 punt return touchdowns, the Seattle product holds the distinction of being almost as good at playing his position as he was at returning (a rarity on this list). Metcalf made three Pro Bowls and made 104 receptions with Atlanta in 1995.

5. Dante Hall. Should Hester ever break down the door and win an MVP award for his return excellence, he'll have Hall to thank for sticking his foot in the door jamb. For a guy who only really had three good seasons, it didn't take Hall long to pull into second on the all-time return touchdowns list with 12.

4. Billy Johnson. When the NFL put together its 75th Anniversary Team, it chose "White Shoes" to be its returner. In 14 seasons, primarily as an Oiler and Falcon, Johnson made three Pro Bowls and twice led the league in yards per touch. Unfortunately, he was no Dave Meggett. He played in one playoff game, and largely watched as his Oilers were pounded, 27-7, by the Raiders.

3. Deion Sanders. He's the nastiest cornerback ever, and if I were counting interception returns as "returns," he'd be No. 1, but I'm not. The merit lies in the look of pure fear and the "Aw, sh*t" opposing fans uttered any time Deion went back to return a boot. By the way, I can't resist posting this photo.

2. Devin Hester. Someday very, very soon, Hester will more likely than not ascend to the top of the list. He's already second in return TDs in 32 games, about a fifth of long-timers like Meggett or Mitchell. The only reason he's not No. 1 in my mind is because if he gets Jason Sehorned in the season opener next season and never returns another kick or punt for TD, he'd still deserve No. 2, whereas it'd be harder to justify knocking him down a peg.

1. Brian Mitchell. Longevity does matter. Certainly, Hester may end up shattering Mitchell's league-record 13 return touchdowns by the time Hester reaches the 223 game mark, but until that happens, Mitchell remains the godfather of return men. His two highest marks in punt returns and yards came 11 years apart -- at 23, he had 45 returns for 600 yards in 1991 for the Redskins; at 34, he had 46 returns for 567 yards. In between, he was pretty damn good, too.

History ends -- well, not yet

If anyone read this blog, I would risk a lot of grief from my fellow native New Englanders in this post. Since nobody does, I'll just put down a groundbreaking prediction for posterity, so 20 years from now, when ESPN Classic2 asks, "Who saw this coming?" they can get the movie commercial guy to intone, "One man..."

The New England Patriots are the class of the NFL, obvious to everyone who hasn't been living under a rock for the past four months. If you have been, Hi. How were the grubs?

It's pretty well accepted, with only one marginally challenging game against the Giants left on the schedule, that the Patriots are going 16-0. Super Bowl, here we come, is what just about everyone in the six-state region is thinking. I'm not among them.

If the playoffs started today, it would be a highly controversial decision since the field is not yet set. After we waved aside the Browns and rewarded their spot to the Titans, the AFC playoffs would look like this:

Week 1

BYES: Patriots, Colts

Wild Card games: Jaguars over Titans, Steelers over Chargers

Week 2

AFC Divisional games: Patriots over Steelers, Jaguars over Colts

Week 3

AFC Championship: Jaguars over Patriots

WHA??? Call me crazy, but I see the Pats getting physically dominated in the AFC title game by the Jags. This is contingent upon the Jaguars getting to Peyton Manning, of course, but when that defense comes to play, it's over for the Colts. And the Jags have something no team the Pats have faced yet has: Two dominant running backs. Jeez, look what McGahee did on his own. Imagine Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew's fresh legs pounding the Pats' weak rushing-defending line into submission, then steady QB David Garrad making the smart, short passes to grind out the clock.

Sounds to me like the greatest upset in NFL history.

The Jags have done this kind of thing before. Remember when there was no way they could beat the Broncos in 1997? They took out Elway, then still a talented chokester like Donovan McNabb in his current incarnation. The people of Jacksonville might not care a lick about their Jaguars, but this franchise has always fought to the bitter end.

The Patriots, therefore, might want to get their acts together. Their players like to talk about only focusing on the week ahead, but as of the AFC title game, there won't be any "next week" to look forward to.

Is it 1995 again?

As you may have noticed, Grant Hill is nasty again.

In the 12th year of an injury-derailed career, Calvin Hill's son is back to being one of the most unguardable players one-on-one in the league. The uniform has changed (which is a good thing, if you remember this), but he's still Tamia's hubby and he still goes from zero to dunk mode in a 20th of a second.

DeSagna Diop discovered this the hard way last night. (Sorry, I couldn't find a good photo of Hill's facial of Diop.)

Hill's numbers aren't up to his younger days, but through 26 games, he is averaging 15.7 points, 4.7 rebounds and 3.6 assists per game.

Remember when there was only one other guy put up nightly numbers like that?

I believe the biggest reason the NBA is watchable again is because it's taken a heavy dose of blasts from the past. Hill's re-emergence. Penny playing with Shaq in Miami (since waived).

What is it, 1995?

Or maybe it's 1985. How else to explain the Celtics, Pistons and Lakers all in first place? The Sixers and Hawks could actually be in playoff contention, and they're even doing it without Moses or Dominique.

Last night's Celtics-Pistons and Suns-Mavericks games were two of the best regular-season NBA games I've seen in a while. A little of the old, a little of the new. Now all we need back in the "NBA on NBC" song and pro basketball will once again be the best sport in the world.

The Rules of Being a Fan

I've been called judgmental, near-sighted and hypocritical in my opinion of what makes a real fan. It's high time, then, that I put down in writing those rules I hold to be self-evident.

Here it is, the Fan's Constitution.

Acceptable reasons to root:
Article I: Home team
The "home team" is defined as the team that represents the city closest in geographical proximity to your current or native home. Rooting for this team requires no further explanation and is 100 percent acceptable and approved.
Example: The Colorado Rockies represent all of Colorado, Southern Wyoming, Western Nebraska, Northeastern Utah, Northern New Mexico and the panhandle of Oklahoma.

Article II: Home team by proxy
Any team that physically plays its home games in your home state may be considered your "home team." This is because you are obligated by law to support this team via your tax dollars.
Example: New Jersey residents may root for the New York Giants, the New York Jets, the New Jersey Devils or the New Jersey Nets, all of whom play their home games in the Garden State. This may supersede Article I, as any arena or stadium upgrades could come out of the fans' pockets, whereas public finances for teams from Philadelphia and New York, though closer by proximity, would only impact fans from their states.
II(a): This can also be called the "Olympics rule." If your family traces its origins through a certain location, the home teams of that city may be considered your "home teams," even if you have never visited that place yourself. This rationale comes from the Olympics, in which a person of Italian descent naturally will root for Italy, even if he has never stepped foot on its shores. Still, expect raised eyebrows, especially if said team is in the midst of a run of success.
Example: Jim's parents grew up in Raleigh and later moved to Pittsburgh, where he was born. His grandparents have since moved to Atlanta, giving him no reason to visit them in North Carolina. Regardless, he may root for the Carolina Panthers and Carolina Hurricanes without reproach.

Article III: Hereditary Fandom
Your father and his father before him were Detroit Tigers fans. Your mother, three uncles, 14 cousins and pet dog are Tigers fans. Grandma missed Grandpa's funeral to watch Mark Fidrych pitch. You are from Boise. You are a Tigers fan. It's OK.
Not beyond reproach, however, due to the fact that you would have to provide an explanation every time someone asks "Why are you a Tigers fan again?"

Article IV: Financial interest
In the event a team's success would directly lead to your financial benefit, rooting for that team is not only acceptable, but expected. This includes owners, general managers, coaches, families of players (assuming as a team wins more, the player gets more exposure, increasing his contractual worth) and concession stand operators (because more wins means more people in the stands, which means more people buying beer and hot dogs from you).

Article V: Media market
Much like voting districts, the rules of U.S. media markets are serpetine entities that only make logical sense if you condiser spider shapes more logical than squares, circles or trapezoids. For instance, when a resident of Asheville, N.C., turns on the news or Fox Sports Net to see how the "home team" did, what baseball team does he see? The Cincinnati Reds. So someone who grows up in Western North Carolina will have grown up rooting for a "home team" two states away.

Article VI: No home team exists
Notice these articles are set in the model of the U.S. Constitution. The significance of that is, I'm not a fan Nazi. If you're from an area or era when there was no "home team," all bets are off. Root for whomever you like.
Example: The Mariners' reach now extends into Idaho and the Rockies broadcast throughout the Rocky Mountain region, but there was a time when most of the West had no team within 1,000 miles. As a result, folks in Montana, Wyoming, Utah, Nevada and New Mexico were merely provided baseball Games of the Week, Monday Night Football and national NBA telecasts. Once upon a time, Arizona and Florida got nothing but Spring Training games. With no natural allegiance, these fans individually came to associate with whatever team they damn well please (usually the Cowboys, Yankees or Lakers, unfortunately).

Unacceptable reasons to root:
Reason I: "I like the colors." This is fine -- if you're 4. Or a girl. Around adolescence, though, rooting for the New Orleans Saints because you like gold and black isn't cool. If you're from Tampa, white out that Saints bumper sticker and make it read, "Geaux Bucs!"

Reason II: "(Insert name here) is my favorite player." This raises all kinds of problems. It's all fine and dandy when things are going well, but who do you root for in a contract dispute? If the player receives a high-money contract, the team is put in a tighter financial situation. If the team gives the lower-money contract, the player may not have gotten the deal he deserved.
How about if the player leaves that team? If you root for his new team, were you ever truly a fan of the old team? What happens when they play each other? You say you'd root for new Giant Aaron Rowand to go 4-for-4 while the Phils win when San Francisco hosts Philadelphia, but how do you react when Roward is 3-for-3 and comes to the plate with the deciding runs in scoring position in the bottom of the ninth inning?
Even if a player spends his entire career with a team and retires in good graces, it's no argument. Surely you should root for his number to be retired, but what if the team disagrees? What if, like Jim Brown after departing the Cleveland Browns, that player returns to the team expecting the red carpet and instead got the back of Art Modell's hand?