The Rules of Being a Fan

I've been called judgmental, near-sighted and hypocritical in my opinion of what makes a real fan. It's high time, then, that I put down in writing those rules I hold to be self-evident.

Here it is, the Fan's Constitution.

Acceptable reasons to root:
Article I: Home team
The "home team" is defined as the team that represents the city closest in geographical proximity to your current or native home. Rooting for this team requires no further explanation and is 100 percent acceptable and approved.
Example: The Colorado Rockies represent all of Colorado, Southern Wyoming, Western Nebraska, Northeastern Utah, Northern New Mexico and the panhandle of Oklahoma.

Article II: Home team by proxy
Any team that physically plays its home games in your home state may be considered your "home team." This is because you are obligated by law to support this team via your tax dollars.
Example: New Jersey residents may root for the New York Giants, the New York Jets, the New Jersey Devils or the New Jersey Nets, all of whom play their home games in the Garden State. This may supersede Article I, as any arena or stadium upgrades could come out of the fans' pockets, whereas public finances for teams from Philadelphia and New York, though closer by proximity, would only impact fans from their states.
II(a): This can also be called the "Olympics rule." If your family traces its origins through a certain location, the home teams of that city may be considered your "home teams," even if you have never visited that place yourself. This rationale comes from the Olympics, in which a person of Italian descent naturally will root for Italy, even if he has never stepped foot on its shores. Still, expect raised eyebrows, especially if said team is in the midst of a run of success.
Example: Jim's parents grew up in Raleigh and later moved to Pittsburgh, where he was born. His grandparents have since moved to Atlanta, giving him no reason to visit them in North Carolina. Regardless, he may root for the Carolina Panthers and Carolina Hurricanes without reproach.

Article III: Hereditary Fandom
Your father and his father before him were Detroit Tigers fans. Your mother, three uncles, 14 cousins and pet dog are Tigers fans. Grandma missed Grandpa's funeral to watch Mark Fidrych pitch. You are from Boise. You are a Tigers fan. It's OK.
Not beyond reproach, however, due to the fact that you would have to provide an explanation every time someone asks "Why are you a Tigers fan again?"

Article IV: Financial interest
In the event a team's success would directly lead to your financial benefit, rooting for that team is not only acceptable, but expected. This includes owners, general managers, coaches, families of players (assuming as a team wins more, the player gets more exposure, increasing his contractual worth) and concession stand operators (because more wins means more people in the stands, which means more people buying beer and hot dogs from you).

Article V: Media market
Much like voting districts, the rules of U.S. media markets are serpetine entities that only make logical sense if you condiser spider shapes more logical than squares, circles or trapezoids. For instance, when a resident of Asheville, N.C., turns on the news or Fox Sports Net to see how the "home team" did, what baseball team does he see? The Cincinnati Reds. So someone who grows up in Western North Carolina will have grown up rooting for a "home team" two states away.

Article VI: No home team exists
Notice these articles are set in the model of the U.S. Constitution. The significance of that is, I'm not a fan Nazi. If you're from an area or era when there was no "home team," all bets are off. Root for whomever you like.
Example: The Mariners' reach now extends into Idaho and the Rockies broadcast throughout the Rocky Mountain region, but there was a time when most of the West had no team within 1,000 miles. As a result, folks in Montana, Wyoming, Utah, Nevada and New Mexico were merely provided baseball Games of the Week, Monday Night Football and national NBA telecasts. Once upon a time, Arizona and Florida got nothing but Spring Training games. With no natural allegiance, these fans individually came to associate with whatever team they damn well please (usually the Cowboys, Yankees or Lakers, unfortunately).

Unacceptable reasons to root:
Reason I: "I like the colors." This is fine -- if you're 4. Or a girl. Around adolescence, though, rooting for the New Orleans Saints because you like gold and black isn't cool. If you're from Tampa, white out that Saints bumper sticker and make it read, "Geaux Bucs!"

Reason II: "(Insert name here) is my favorite player." This raises all kinds of problems. It's all fine and dandy when things are going well, but who do you root for in a contract dispute? If the player receives a high-money contract, the team is put in a tighter financial situation. If the team gives the lower-money contract, the player may not have gotten the deal he deserved.
How about if the player leaves that team? If you root for his new team, were you ever truly a fan of the old team? What happens when they play each other? You say you'd root for new Giant Aaron Rowand to go 4-for-4 while the Phils win when San Francisco hosts Philadelphia, but how do you react when Roward is 3-for-3 and comes to the plate with the deciding runs in scoring position in the bottom of the ninth inning?
Even if a player spends his entire career with a team and retires in good graces, it's no argument. Surely you should root for his number to be retired, but what if the team disagrees? What if, like Jim Brown after departing the Cleveland Browns, that player returns to the team expecting the red carpet and instead got the back of Art Modell's hand?